Familial Bonding and Digital Garlic
by ckret2
Summary: Dib wants to watch Mysterious Mysteries and to learn how to live in peace with his sister. Gaz just wants to beat this stupid boss level. Can they help each other reach their goals? Logic says no, but since when has logic stopped Dib and Gaz? [Oneshot]


A/N: This fic was a request from DeadlyMarionette, who is made of awesome for liking Invader Zim, Midnighters, and the Sound Five out of Naruto. She wanted a fic about Gaz and Dib. Hope you enjoy, and please review. This is the first IZ fic I've written in, what, three years? (Holy crap, three whole years.) So, any critique would be very, very much appreciated.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or, in fact, the show Invader Zim itself. I own various silly things like GlueToob; the plot is also mine. The rest is property of Jhonen Vasquez, all the other people and companies don't really matter.

--Familial Bonding and Digital Garlic--

Gaz did not like Vampire Piggy Hunter III: Poltergeist Pork Rally. It was a great game, sure; she loved the side quests, which so far were a lot like old-school piggy hunting. But the actual game was going nowhere.

Dib came downstairs, saw Gaz playing, and groaned. "Can't you hook that up to a computer or something?" Dib asked. "There's a special episode of Mysterious Mysteries on tonight!" Gaz was playing on the Slave Box, the first full-sized gaming console the Game Slave Company had made. Unfortunately for Dib, that meant Gaz had to play her game on a TV.

"This screen is bigger than a computer," Gaz said, waiting for the sun to set. The game had a day/night cycle of about ten minutes, and since her character was a vampire, she couldn't do anything for about five minutes each "day." She'd kicked the Slave Box last weekend, so now she had nine minutes of night and one minute of day. It was still annoying.

After years of practice, Gaz could glare at anything even with her eyes closed. She used this ability now against Dib. "Why don't you watch your stupid show online? Can't you download it on GlueToob?"

"This screen is bigger than a computer," Dib retorted, and then hid behind the couch in case Gaz attacked him for the quip. But the sun set, and Gaz decided her time was better spent on her game.

When Dib figured he was safe, he peeked over the couch. Gaz's character seemed to be wandering around inside a hotel lobby, looking for something. So far, Dib hadn't heard any explosions – just horrible accordion music. Unusual for Gaz's games. "What are you doing?" Dib asked.

Gaz didn't answer, but Dib knew better than to ask again. Gaz heard everything, and didn't like hearing it twice. After a few minutes, when she'd left the hotel and was exploring a moonlit street, she finally answered. "Hunting for dead pork."

"Huh." Dib watched as Gaz's character passed several stores. "Is there a hotdog stand on that street or something?"

Gaz twisted her head almost completely around and opened both eyes a slit to send a murderous glare at Dib. He backed away from the couch, briefly fearing for his life. "No, idiot," she snapped. "It's a poltergeist. It lives in the hotel lobby, but it won't come out. None of the shops have anything to make it appear." She sent her character into one of the shops to prove it. "See?! Just a bunch of clothes!" Gaz aimed an angry kick at the game system. It squealed apologetically.

"Have you tried any cheat codes?" Dib asked, moving forward to lean on the couch again.

The temperature dropped twenty degrees, the lights flickered, and the annoying accordion background music dropped to silence. Somewhere outside, a crow cawed and a death bell tolled.

"What did you say?" Gaz hissed.

"Uh…" Dib gestured frantically at the clothing shop. "Cheap coats! You could buy them and put them in the lobby, and maybe the… uh… the pork will possess them?"

All went right with the world. Dib nearly sighed with relief, but the accordion music came back and he winced instead.

He had almost made a terrible mistake. Gaz never, ever used cheat codes. To her, it was like peeling the crust off a pie so you could just eat the fruit inside. No sane human does that.

Zim, however, peeled the crust, ate the crust, and left the fruit behind. Somehow Dib knew that was even worse.

"Nothing works," Gaz said. "I tried everything. The stupid ghost won't come out." She groaned as a red smiley face blinked in the top left corner of the screen, next to her health bar. "And now the sun's coming up," she grumbled, hiding under the cashier's desk. The sun came up, her character fell asleep, and Gaz threw her controller on the floor in disgust.

Dib leaned farther over the back of the couch. "Wait, you're playing as a vampire, right?" he asked, intrigued. "And you actually fall asleep during the day?"

"Unless the sun hits you," Gaz said. "Then you die a horrible, violent death as the piggies rejoice. And you restart the game."

"Wow!" Dib said. Something on his neck was starting to itch, but he didn't care. It was probably the scratchy couch's cloth, anyways. "That's amazing! I've never heard of a game that takes the reality of paranormal beings into account! This is really cool."

"Whatever," Gaz muttered. The sun went down and she crawled out from under the desk, terrifying some late-night clothes shoppers. They ran out of the store.

"Hey, maybe that's the key to it," Dib said excitedly, pointing at the screen. "You need to fall asleep!"

Gaz quirked an eyebrow. "What?"

"To get the poltergeist to come out," Dib continued. "See, it takes two things to get them to appear. It has to be night, and there has to be someone asleep. That way the poltergeist gets to wake someone up. They love doing that." Dib grinned at his sister. "Did you try that?"

She hadn't. Gaz was annoyed that Dib had thought of a kinda good-sounding idea before her, and was a little bit disturbed. He was supposed to be an idiot. Scowling, she said, "I can't make myself fall asleep like that. It only happens during the day."

"Huh." Dib scratched his itchy neck. "What kind of stores are outside?"

Instead of answering, Gaz sent her vampire outside the clothes shop and had it walk up and down the street. This was stupid. There was no way she could find something by…

"Stop!" Dib shouted, pointing at the screen and hanging dramatically over the back of the couch.

"No," Gaz said.

"No, I mean it!" Dib said. "That pizza parlor! It's the key, Gaz! The KEY! I'm positive!"

Growling, Gaz stopped. "Fine. What is it?"

Dib was shocked into silence. Unfortunately for Gaz, he soon recovered. "You mean, you're actually listening? To me?"

"You said you know what to do," Gaz said. She sent the character inside the pizza parlor. Immediately, an icon of a smelly-looking plant flashed in the upper left-hand corner. "Better make it fast, Dib. There's garlic in here." She opened one eye a slit to see the screen more easily. Sometimes when the garlic icon started flashing, it meant a swarm of Italian pirates were going to ambush her. Garlic killed her vampire.

"That's okay, Gaz. We're here for the garlic," Dib said.

Gaz's eyes shot open. "Are you trying to kill me?! You TRAITOR!" She dropped the controller and lunged at Dib. He screamed like a girl and fell off the couch.

"Wait! Let me explain!"

Standing on top of the couch, Gaz said, "Talk fast. Five seconds."

"I can make the poltergeist pork come out!"

"Ten seconds. Keep going."

"A little bit of garlic makes vampires fall asleep. It's perfectly safe. Then, the pork comes!"

Gaz gave Dib a considering look, and finally sat back down on the couch. "Okay, you live for now. But this had better work."

"It should – I mean, it will," Dib said. He stood up and sat on the couch beside Gaz.

This, he realized, was a chance to prove himself. All these years, Gaz had thought Dib was useless, but if he helped her now, maybe, just maybe, she would start to respect him.

Dib's first thought was that, with Gaz's help, they could stop Zim for good. But his next thought was that it would be really nice to be friends with Gaz for once. They could do all sorts of things. Have heart-to-heart discussions, go to movies together, team up against that zombie bunny at the sewage facility…

Meanwhile, Gaz was thinking that her brother could actually be useful at times, when he wasn't ranting about aliens.

"What can you get here?" Dib asked.

Gaz walked up to the cashier and read the list of things he offered to sell. "Cheese pizza, pepperoni pizza, hamburger pizza, grease pizza, mystery meat pizza…"

"Skip past the pizzas," Dib said.

Gaz decided to ignore his tone of voice, and moved to the other items. "Spaghetti with marinara sauce, garlic bread, fettuccine Alfredo, Poop Pasta, and Poop Cola." A little frowny face beside the garlic bread indicated it was dangerous. "Do I get that one?" she asked.

Dib shook his head. "No, the garlic concentration is too high. Try the Poop Pasta or spaghetti."

The Poop Pasta was cheaper, only 80 monies. Gaz wondered why everything was so expensive in games. Probably because no one had to pay income taxes. "Got it."

"Okay! Now, go back to the hotel. That's where the pork is," Dib said.

Gaz shot Dib a shut-eye warning glare. "I know that. It's my game."

Dib leaned away from Gaz. "Sorry." He sighed as his sister turned away from him and continued playing. He'd thought they'd had a… a connection, or something corny like that, for a moment. Apparently not. He scratched the itch on his neck and leaned back in the seat, moping. By now, Mysterious Mysteries was probably past its first commercial break.

The little alert for sunrise came on and Gaz hid in a dumpster. "If today is trash day and I end up in the garbage dump," she told Dib, "I'm blaming you."

"Sure. Whatever," Dib said.

Gaz quirked an eyebrow. "That doesn't strike fear into your heart?"

"It's just a game," Dib said. "I don't care."

This time, Dib didn't even notice as the accordion music was silenced. "Just... a... GAME?" Gaz asked from between clenched teeth.

"Yeah. What else is it?" Dib challenged.

Gaz had no good answer. She could just beat Dib up and that would be the end of things, except it was almost sunset and she couldn't put the controller down. "In nine minutes you will pay for that comment, Dib."

"Yeah, so? That's nine minutes I can talk to you," Dib said. "You never pay attention to the important things! You spend all your time playing video games or drawing or beating up other kids. Usually me. The last time I saw you without your Game Slave on for more than six minutes was when we all ate at Bloaty's, and that was months ago!"

"You didn't care then," Gaz said. "You wanted to follow Zim."

"You could have come with me!" Dib said. Now he was starting to get mad. "Gaz, we're brother and sister! We—"

"Sister and brother," she corrected.

"We..." Dib blinked. "What?"

"Sister and brother. Me, then you. Ladies first, Dib."

"Um, okay. Gaz, we're sister and brother! We should be doing family stuff together. Like going to picnics or watching kid movies. You know."

"Dib," Gaz said. "Do you want to go on a picnic?"

"Um, no," he said.

"Do you want to watch a baby movie?"

"Not really..."

"I wouldn't be caught dead doing that stuff," Gaz said. "You'd want to hunt Chihuahuas or something."

"Chupacabras," Dib said.

"Eh. That stray Chihuahua seems pretty paranormal to me," Gaz said, shrugging.

Dib's eyes widened. "Hey, you're right! Oh man, Gaz! What if it's a weredog?"

"Shut up," Gaz said. "I'm trying to make a point here."

Dib shut up, and decided to scratch his back instead. Boy, that couch sure was itchy.

Gaz made it back into the hotel. She had five minutes. "We might be related, but we don't have anything in common. I can't believe I have to explain that to you! I mean, you're not really that idiotic. Most of the time."

"Oh, thanks," Dib said, smiling.

"I wasn't done!" Gaz shouted. "Even if I wanted to spend time with you, what would we do together? Huh? Nothing! We would stare into space and our brains would rot and fall out our ears from BOREDOM because there is nothing! That we! Can do! Together!" Teeth clenched, she turned away from Dib, radiating doom like nobody's business.

Dib was silent for a moment, then cleared his throat. When Gaz didn't throttle him, he spoke. "We're doing this thing together, aren't we?" He pointed at the screen.

Gaz didn't answer.

He sighed. "You can eat the spaghetti now."

Gaz grunted and went to her inventory. Curiously, the spaghetti had been placed in her "Healy Thingies" pouch, between the Generic Game Potions and the paralysis-reversing Coffin Dust. She selected the Poop Pasta and clicked "Devour."

The vampire gobbled up the spaghetti. Within a short time, his face turned bluish-gray, then green. He held one hand to his throat and the other towards the roof, and then fell over.

Gaz's eyes shot wide open. "You killed me!"

Terrified, Dib squished himself to the far end of the couch. "No I didn't! Look at the health bar! It's full!"

Gaz's gaze darted to the top of the screen. Dib was right. The health was full, and the Status area had three Zs to represent sleep. The vampire had curled up in a ball in the hotel lobby with his thumb in his mouth.

"It worked?" Gaz said, shocked.

"It did!" Dib said, ecstatic. "I knew it! Man, I'm amazing!"

As he spoke, a misty form drifted into the hotel lobby. And oinked. Gaz's eyes grew wide with wonder. "It's... it's him!"

Dib pumped a fist in the air, victorious. "The poltergeist pork!"

The awe left Gaz's face and her eyes snapped shut again. "Great going, Dib. How do I fight it if I'm asleep?"

Dib blinked at Gaz. "Fight it?"

"Rrrgh! You moron!" Gaz pulled at her hair in rage. "And the sun's coming up in three minutes! This is all you... Hey, what?"

A shadowy figure drifted out of the vampire and stood with its sword raised. Gaz arched her eyebrows. "Huh." Without another word, she calmly proceeded to butcher the pork so badly it would wish it had never been born so that it never would have died and faced the wrath of Gaz's wrathfully wrathful wrath!

Meanwhile, Dib was watching the battle with a bewildered expression. "Vampire... ghosts?" he said. "But, vampires can't produce ghosts. Vampires are highly evolved, sentient zombies with high school diplomas! They don't have souls, so they can't make ghosts! This – this is madness!"

He scooted to the edge of the couch and watched the battle with childish glee. "This has got to be the coolest game ever!"

Gaz vanquished the pork. It vanished with a squeal, and Gaz earned her prize. "Amulet of SPF-666? What's that supposed to do?"

Dib was shivering with excitement. "Amulet of SPF-666! Gaz, that's the Holy Grail of the vampiric branch of paranormal studies!"

"Great. What does it do?" Gaz asked. "Can I sell it?"

"Of course not!" The blinking icon warning of sunrise started flashing. Dib gasped. "No time to explain! Just put it on, fast!"

Gaz obeyed. The sun came up and shined into the hotel lobby, dissolving her character's body to dist. But as she watched, its ghost formed a new, solid body of its own. She made him walk outside. The vampire shook an angry fist at the sun, but otherwise seemed okay.

"The Amulet of SPF-666," Dib said reverently, "is the only thing in the universe that lets a vampire go outside during the day. It'll keep the vampire awake 24/7, and completely protects it from sunlight. It even lets it cross bridges over moving water."

"Really?" Gaz started walking. "A hobo lady told me I had to battle a bridge troll, but I couldn't figure out how to get over there."

"Bring soap. Trolls hate soap," Dib said.

"Hmph. Who'd've thought your stupid paranormal shows would be useful?" Gaz said.

Dib slapped his head. "Argh! I forgot Mysterious Mysteries! It's probably half over by now." He groaned. "I was really looking forward to this one, too."

Gaz felt like being nice to him, so she asked, "What's it about?"

"Cyber ghosts," Dib said. "See, there's this guy who thinks a ghost is the player behind on of the characters in his guild in an online game. So, he started documenting all the characters supposedly controlled by ghosts in 'World of Warehouses'..."

Gaz was suddenly gone. "I'm downloading the episode online!" she shouted down the stairs. "Get your butt up here or I'm watching it without you!"

"Really? You mean it?" Dib leaped to his feat.

"Hurry up!"

"All right!" Dib shouted, bounding up the stairs two at a time. "Finally! Something we can do together! ... Huh?"

He had scratched his throat, and when he pulled his hand away, it was bloody. "Vampires!" He yelled, whirling around. To his terror, there was nothing behind him. "Ghost vampires!" Then he noticed the bugs on his hand.

"Fleas! Gaz, there were fleas in the couch! Gaz! Help! The itch!" He frantically clawed at his neck and back, trying to get the bugs. "GAAAZ!!"

Gaz ignored him, leaning back in his chair to watch the newest episode of Mysterious Mysteries on GlueToob. He was making such a big deal out of nothing. After all, she'd had the fleas for weeks.

--End--


End file.
